I am not a bitter person. I do not feel angry at God for giving me a child with severe disabilities. I am ever grateful to have Miss Madeline in my life. For her, I do wish that she could have use of her legs and not struggle with lung disease and the many other complications that are a ripple effect from spina bifida. For my sake, I don't wish anything to be different, because through this precious little girl, God has worked miracles in my life and has blessed me abundantly. And when I am tempted to worry, my Scarlet O'Hara personality kicks in, and I just think, "I'll worry about it tomorrow." Better yet, why worry at all. I can't see the big picture, but I can handle today, with God's help.
Except just now. My late-night confession is that I was just now cathing Maddy and changing her diaper, and I scooped her up to cuddle her little diapered body before putting her pjs on. Just the way my arm covered her severe kyphosis (hers is almost a v-shaped curve in just below the middle of her back), I could see how awesome she'd look with her back perfectly straight. I even switched arms so that I could look at the side of her face with only the oxygen tubing and not the feeding tube and all the layers of tape besides. Try as I might, I can't remember holding my other girls and appreciating the perfection of their little bodies. I'm sure I did, but I can't remember. I think Maddy's little crooked feet are absolutely adorable, especially when the tiny nails are freshly pedicured (not professionally, mind you--just mommy love!), but for some reason I've never gotten used to looking at Maddy's back. Probably because it's a huge issue for her--she doesn't lay flat on her back (in midline), she cannot sit up tall and straight or for long periods of time. I just wish that I could make it all better for her and I can't.
Ok, enough of that, and I feel better now that you let me share that. I hope that I haven't scared all my readers off with pure honesty. At any rate, the song that is running through my head right now is one our choir sings (beautifully I might add!). I like the second verse especially: "Some midnight hour, if you should find you're in a prison in your mind: Call out His name, defy the chains, and they will fall in Jesus name! I bless your name....." I think I'll move that one up on my play list so you can listen and enjoy while your reading this. If you're on the hunt for some meaningful songs through difficult times, here are some more that I love: Larnelle Harris singing "If not for the storms"; "Something Happens (when I mention your name)"; "How can I keep from singing your praise?"; "Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus)"; Steve Green's "Be at rest"; "So you would know" and "Thou, oh Lord" by Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir; "Who can satisfy?"; "Revelation 19"; David Phelps singing "No more night"; and so many more. Music is a balm straight from God, I've come to believe. I'll never forget singing "How can I keep from singing your praise" with the choir the Sunday after we had the ultrasound that altered our lives forever, and I just felt praise bubbling til I couldn't stop the tears streaming down my face. And just thinking about it is turning my wishful/sad/I'm-very-tired tears into happy tears once again. God is good.
Good night, my friends.