Tuesday, December 1, 2009

What did I do to deserve this?

So I had a not-so-great Monday. And Tuesday started out with the question, "What did I do to deserve this?"

That's right....I was reading Job.

Ok, I know that I'm no Job, he of the renowned patience (though he did rail at God quite a bit, frustrated for what he saw as punishment that he didn't deserve)--I've lost patience with my children, reveling in the "do justly" part without balancing it out with the "love mercy." I have, on more occasions than I'd like to admit, allowed myself to sleep in instead of getting up to start the day right with quiet time. And I could go on, but you get the picture.

Except for Grace. Because of His sacrifice for me, I have been cleansed. Because of His power I live each day trying to be like Him.

Just suppose.

Suppose that God had a conversation with Satan a few years ago, and that I was the topic, rather than Job. Satan tells God that the only reason that sing His praises, crave His presence, teach my children to love Him, is because He has built a hedge around me. He'd blessed me with a loving Christian family, a Godly husband, two beautiful and healthy children.

Thankfully Satan didn't orchestra every piece of property and both children taken, turn my husband against me and send "friends" to stare at me for 7 days before telling me that the only reason all this had happened because of sin. Instead, he tried steal my faith by introducing my family to the realities of life with a little girl with DiGeorge Syndrome, spina bifida and wide circle of other problems. To round out the year, he took my much-loved father, much too young.

Maybe it wasn't Satan's doing. Maybe it's "just life" in a fallen world, but Satan's scheme is to use it to put a wedge between me and my Creator.

At any rate, I have to admit that I'm still working through why God would allow Daddy to die at age 55. But if Satan wanted to use that to shatter my faith, sorry (or not), not happening. If anything, it makes me more determined.

But I am echoing Job's sentiment when it comes to Madeline Kate. "What did I do to deserve this??"

What did I do to deserve waking up every morning to her sweet smiles; to her grin when she raises her arms to say, "SO big!"; to feel her little hand patting my face; to see her eyes light up when I ask her if she wants to sing "One little fishy"? What did I do to deserve seeing her delight when her sisters love on her or her Daddy coos at her? What did I do to deserve watching how God is already using her little life to bless and inspire so many? What did I do to deserve that she signs mama and says daddy? What did I do to deserve Madeline Kate?

So to the enemy of this child of God, I say, "Your mission failed." And to God, my Rock and Shelter, "How can I keep from singing Your praise? How can I ever say enough? How amazing is Your love! How can I keep from shouting Your name? I know I am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing!"


Lori said...

John 9:1-3 - As He went along, He saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked Him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."
We must keep showing the work of God in our lives. The bonus at the end is that we will see our loved ones again one day. It's a promise I am clinging to.

Anonymous said...

With the pain comes beauty. Both are real. Both are breathtaking.
I'm sorry for your pain, but so glad you've found the beauty too.
~Susan K.

Melodie said...

You say it all so well, Pammy Jo. No we don't understand but we don't have to in order to trust God.

I am determined to offer back to God praises for whatever He does -- it might be a sacrifice from a broken heart but He rejoices in our offering.

Love you so very much! mommy

Kirsten said...

That was beautiful.

Caitlin said...

this made my heart ache and smile.

Jodie said...

You go girl!! Keep giving Satan those black eyes. He was just waiting for you to "curse God and die" like Job's wife told him to do, but you are made of stronger stuff. It makes me think of Jesus when the devil was tempting him and how He just put him right in his place and Satan HAD to leave. He could not withstand the Savior throwing up scriptures in his face. Stay strong. You don't know me, but I follow your blog and I pray much for all of you.

Christy said...

Wow...that was well said. It caused tears to come to my eyes!!

Sherry Sherron said...

That was a awesome post. You have a wonderful outlook on all that you have gone and are going through. May God bless your beautiful family. (He already has blessed you with that little angel that you take such good care of)

Jen said...

Good Morning Pam,
Hey I am still trying to get in touch with you so I can get your hat sent to you.

The Gurnee's said...

You guys are such great people. God picked you guys perfectly to be Maddy's parents. We are so proud of you doing what you have done and graduating.

Byron Gurnee


Carla said...

Well said! Isn't God good! I'm amazed at all that has come your way and your strength through it all.

Anonymous said...

Pam, the only thing I could think of as I read this with tears in my eyes was "This is beautiful." What the enemy meant for evil, God meant for good. May He continue to bless you and your special angel(s) with love and happiness. Thanks for sharing this part of your life with me. Love ya, Becky Hartley